In this life
by Fantabulous85
Summary: Addison reflects on her life


Hello everyone. This is my first story for Private Practice and my first fanfiction since 3 years (I wrote a couple of Alias stories but that was ages ago lol) so please be nice.

I was in a weird mood when I wrote this, so this story is a bit dark and twisted. If you are not up for dark storys, then please dont read it. you have been warned.

Also I would like to say that english is not my native language, so I am sorry if there are any mistakes.

okay so here is my story, I hope you like it.

**In this life**

It was 7:30 a.m. in the morning and the sun was shining through the windows of Addison Montgomery's Beach House illuminating the whole room and painting it a soft orange colour. It was a day like all the other days and yet it wasn't. Addison got up with cramps in her lower stomach, which of course indicated that she would get her period today or at tomorrow at the latest. She hated being reminded of the fact that she couldn't have children and whenever she was bleeding it seemed like her body was mocking her. Not that she was trying to get pregnant, she didn't even have a boyfriend, but yet alone the existence of her "red week" was almost unbearable for her.

She was now 40 years old and all her life she had dreamed of having a family. A husband, two kids, a boy and a girl (the boy older so he could protect his little sister), maybe a dog or a cat and of course a big beautiful house with a white picket fence, a tree house for the kids and a large barbeque grill for her loving husband. All of these dreams had blown up not too long ago and she was left with nothing but the house. A house on the beach, which was beautiful but far too big for her liking. (which didn't even have a tree house let alone a picket fence) She had 8 rooms which she didn't even need, but the hope that one day this house would be filled with voices of children had made her buy it.

Of course it had been stupid to hope for a thing like that. After all she had known ever since she had visited LA for the first time that having kids would be almost impossible for her. She had two eggs left. Two freaking eggs which weren't even worth mentioning. Naomi, her best friend and a fertility specialist in the practice she now worked in, had told her that she had a less than 5% change to fulfil her dream. And 5 % in Addison's world…. Didn't really mean anything.

The fact that she didn't even have a husband at 40 years old made her feel worthless on a whole new level. She was an attractive woman; she was wildly attractive to say it with her own words. She was tall, had a great figure, long slender legs, fiery red hair which made her stand out, beautiful blue eyes (or sometimes they looked green, that depended on her mood), full red lips and perfect teeth. Yes she was a beautiful woman, but apparently that wasn't enough.

For a short time there had been Kevin. A cop from the LAPD department. He had been nice at first, had made her feel loved and for awhile Addison was able to enjoy his presence. Then all of sudden his behaviour had changed. She couldn't really point out the day or the situation and when he had hit her the first time she was shocked to say the least.

He had apologized over and over but the mark on her eye wasn't even gone when he had hit her the second time.

At first she didn't know how to react, she had stayed away from him while he had tried to contact her over and over but after a week, while remembering that after Derek, her ex husband, she had told herself to never be weak again she had stepped up for herself, yelled at him and had gone to the police. Yes it had been difficult, with him being a police officer himself but at least she had earned a restraining order and he wasn't allowed near her or the practice. Of course she had wished for more punishment but it still was better than nothing at all.

Addison's life wasn't perfect. It wasn't even close to be perfect. It wasn't even close to be close to perfect. To sum it up, her life sucked. It sucked hard and it had sucked for a long time now and although Addison put on a smile everyday when she went to work, it became harder and harder to keep up the façade.

She walked around her bedroom, searching for something to wear when something caught her eye. A little blue, stuffed foot (belonging to a blue teddy bear) was looking out of her closet. She sighed softly.

"I thought I had burned it"

she whispered softly as she opened the closet door fully and pulled out the little stuffed animal. Another reminder of what never would be was sitting in her hand with a heart shaped balloon on his tummy, reading "it's a boy". She had bought it while being pregnant with Marks baby, sensing that it was a boy but she had ended this life before she even knew if she had been right about her feeling.

Thinking about it she regretted the abortion more than anything. She hadn't been thinking clearly and after being cheated on, no one could really blame her. Clearly she had still made the wrong decision and Karma was being a bitch right now. If she could turn back time, she would. She would make a different decision, leave Mark but keep the baby, oh well... what do the people always say... you never know what you got till its gone.

After changing into a light blue and green summer dress, including a pair if ridiculous high heels (which had gotten higher and higher since her mood had so drastically changed that by now her feet her killing her every night when she returned home.) But pain at least meant that she was still alive.

A few times she had thought about moving again, leaving everything behind for the third time and start over new in a place where really no one knew her, but what was the point really? Her dreams wouldn't suddenly come true because of a change of scenery. She wouldn't magically be able to get pregnant and she also didn't think that she would find "the one" just by moving. So she stayed.

Sighing softly she checked herself in the mirror. Her skin was tanned so that she didn't need any make up but she used it anyway. Somehow it was to cover her mood, her insecurity, her depressed state, her fears and sadness and the more make up she wore, the better she could pretend being happy.

She put on some jewellery, not much, just a pair of earrings and a small bracelet she had bought some years ago, which reminded her of better times and after one last check she nodded and left the bedroom.

Making her way downstairs, she ended up in the kitchen, starting to make a huge pot of coffee to start the day with at least a decent amount of caffeine if nothing else.

She waited by the coffee machine for the coffee to be ready and then poured herself a big cup, blowing over it until it had cooled down a little and than drank it in one large gulp and filled the cup once again.

After emptying this cup as well she looked around for her purse, finding it by the front door on the floor and picked it up. She checked her cell phone – no messages – and sighed once again. It was almost as if she didn't exist, if no one cared if she was alive or not but she decided to ignore the nagging feeling that told her that nothing would change if she wouldn't be in this world.

Pulling out her car keys, she walked out of the door, ready for a new day which would most likely be like the rest of her days… but maybe it wouldn't.

**END**

please let me know what you think. This could be a one shot, but it doesnt have to be if you want me to continue. Thank you for reading**  
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